I have been trying to keep myself busy the past few days so that I don't get caught up with the thoughts of hospital and surgery, which just so happens to be tomorrow. I cannot believe how quick it seems to have come around.
I've really struggled with sleep the past few days, and each night I go to bed so tired and lethargic, but just don't seem to be able to sleep. Its a mixture of pain, discomfort and worry. To be honest, as much as I am dreading the anesthetic, at least I'll get a good couple of hours sleep.
I have tidied and cleaned the house over and over again, because it feels like the only thing I'm in control of . It stops me thinking about Wednesday. In fact, I don't think our house has looked this tidy since the day we moved in 2 and a half years ago and it was empty!
I'm worrying about loads of things about Wednesday -
First off the anesthetic. I hope they give me enough so I can't feel anything, but then again, I hope they don't give me too much. Its hardly natural having the power to knock someone out with one tiny needle.
Secondly I worry about the diagnosis. Is it or isn't it? This has been going around and around in my head for so long now and I just need an answer, but at the same time I'm scared to hear the answer. If this is Endometriosis, then this is a chronic illness that could affect me for many years to come, and if it's not, then what on earth is it? I'm trying to work out which is the lesser of two evils.
Thirdly, I worry about the recovery. My pain threshold isn't exactly high, and speaking to others who have been through this surgery, the first couple of days after surgery are not nice at all. I have bought in loads of cans of fizzy - thanks to people's advice!
However, all that said and done, I am really looking forward to returning to reality. I have let so many people down these past few months, having to pull out of things last minute. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful, understanding friends and family. I am also really grateful to the community of girls I have met through Twitter. I never really understood the whole fascination with it, until now. I have been able to talk to other girls in my position, and have been able to get advice and support from them too. So a massive thank you to my friends, family, and endo girls - I love you all tons!
Tonight a few of my friends are taking me to the cinema - that should definitely keep my mind off of everything. Then its an early night for me, and hopefully a good night sleep. I am due on the ward tomorrow at 7.30am and even typing that made my stomach turn. ARGH!
Thanks again for taking the time to read this, I will post an update later on this week.